I had a minor melt-down this morning.
I realized …
I am SO scared!
A whole lifetime and you know what I am really good at?
Focusing on the wrong things.
Talking myself out of things while pretending that I am talking myself into them.
I am so fucking scared of failing.
Of not being good enough.
of being wrong.
So scared that I don’t even want to try.
I say I want to try.
I *think* I want to try.
I HOWL about trying
and take a few steps forward
and then start the anticipating
and sleights of hand.
Fuck those voices. Fuck those fears.
Laser pointer focus and no future, no anticipation or goals or working towards something tomorrow.
Just this one little step, right here, right now.
I am not just howling at the moon this time.
I am going to climb this fucking mountain and see what the view looks like from the other side. I might go a little crazy along the way. I might get lost. I might get turned around, but I will bring a compass and some friends and a flashlight.
It doesn’t matter what is at the top of the mountain or what the view looks like on the other side. It doesn’t even matter what monsters I meet along the way. All that matters is *this* moment, *this* step.
And then taking one more
and one more, when that time comes – but I am not worrying about that one yet.
This story, these characters, this adventure … it isn’t for you, or for you, or for “them” … it is just for me – because I want to fall in love with them, and see what happens next and eventually I will be able to let them loose into the world and then where they go and what they do will not be up to me … but whatever it is, it won’t matter, because I will have had my time with them – and *that* is the journey – and nothing to be afraid of.
Putting on some music to drown out the voices, and wrapping myself up in a virtual security blanket to drive away the fear and the tears and curling my toes into the dirt, taking a deep breath, and lifting my foot.