Know what is not conducive to meditation? The soundtrack to Dust 154. I managed stretching last night, but not finding a quiet spot for final meditation before bed. I was exhausted and expected that I would sleep well by the time I went to bed. Not so. I had another restless night of tossing and turning. This is notable mostly because I have not had any real sleeping issues in years.
I do this a lot … I come up with a goal, howl about it and then proceed to set up obstacles, self-sabotage and generally drag my feet until I have forgotten about it, or become distracted by a new howl, or … *shrug*
What the Hell?
It isn’t as if I don’t have good intentions, or even a real desire to reach the goal. Why, then, do I make it so hard on myself?
I have a theory. It revolves around a truly deep seated sense that I am undeserving, unworthy, a fake, and a fraud. I thought I had dragged these issues out of the dark recesses of my psyche and bludgeoned them into submission years ago.
Apparently, sheltered by my inattention, they have been nursing themselves back to health.
I can see that this month isn’t just about being more mindful in my daily actions. It appears that I will be swimming in the deep and murky swamp of my soul once more. *sigh*
I did not get up early this morning. I did not take my first break. On my lunch hour I went out and had a cigarette (ack! I quit that ages ago!) and now I am sitting at my desk typing this.
I am not counting any of that as a failure. Instead, I am looking at it as an opportunity.
I’ve got this. The first step? Recognizing the snares I set for myself. I am not terribly creative – they are always pretty much the same. Next steps? Finding a flashlight – reaching out to my support system (as with the text above to my husband) to anchor a lifeline to it and diving in.
When that 3:30 break alarm sounds – I will be taking a walk, even if it is only around the block or across the park.
- On the Subject of Sabotaging Myself (nicadiangelo.wordpress.com)
- Self-Sabotage: The Enemy Within (ptmepersonalisedtraining.wordpress.com)