Day 2 – Self Sabotage

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Know what is not conducive to meditation?  The soundtrack to Dust 154.  I managed stretching last night, but not finding a quiet spot for final meditation before bed.  I was exhausted and expected that I would sleep well by the time I went to bed.  Not so.  I had another restless night of tossing and turning.  This is notable mostly because I have not had any real sleeping issues in years.

I do this a lot … I come up with a goal, howl about it and then proceed to set up obstacles, self-sabotage and generally drag my feet until I have forgotten about it, or become distracted by a new howl, or … *shrug*

What the Hell?

It isn’t as if I don’t have good intentions, or even a real desire to reach the goal.  Why, then, do I make it so hard on myself?

I have a theory.  It revolves around a truly deep seated sense that I am undeserving, unworthy, a fake, and a fraud.  I thought I had dragged these issues out of the dark recesses of my psyche and bludgeoned them into submission years ago.

Apparently, sheltered by my inattention, they have been nursing themselves back to health.

I can see that this month isn’t just about being more mindful in my daily actions.  It appears that I will be swimming in the deep and murky swamp of my soul once more.  *sigh*

I did not get up early this morning.  I did not take my first break.  On my lunch hour I went out and had a cigarette (ack!  I quit that ages ago!) and now I am sitting at my desk typing this.

I am not counting any of that as a failure.  Instead, I am looking at it as an opportunity.

I’ve got this.  The first step?  Recognizing the snares I set for myself.  I am not terribly creative – they are always pretty much the same.  Next steps?  Finding a flashlight – reaching out to my support system (as with the text above to my husband) to anchor a lifeline to it and diving in.

When that 3:30 break alarm sounds – I will be taking a walk, even if it is only around the block or across the park.

AoooooooooAhhhhhhhh!

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4 thoughts on “Day 2 – Self Sabotage

  1. That little walk of yours inspires me. The minute-to-minute determination it shows inspires me. That is what it takes to accomplish any goal. In my slow-paced (regretfully) life I think of it as the steady grip of a faucet… I turn the faucet on by getting up and moving around. It’s not a steady flow as yet… but the drops are getting faster. Soon there will be a rivulet, and the rivulet will form a groove, and I will be able to physically see my progress. I love your posts, and I love the wording and thoughtfulness of them.

    Happy Hump Day!

    • Minute-to-minute determination is a perfect description. I do not seem to be up to day-to-day determination yet, so I gotta go with what I’ve got. 😉

      I like your faucet analogy. With time water wears away the stone.

      Thank you for your words. They always touch me.

  2. Really good noticing! I am similar to you in some ways. I too get sick of setting goals, and diverting around them like it’ll kill me to try something different for once. Even when the intention is good… The lull that kicks in, is where change needs to start. Keep strong! Glad your husband notices your upstream swim! I hope he is bringing the bodyboard!

    • I suppose this is precisely what is meant by “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

      *smile* I am very fortunate in that my husband excels at saying the things I need to hear. He is incredibly supportive without being placating – a fine high-wire performer.

      Thank you again for the encouragement. It is early days.

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