I have not had an awesome “me” week, as my absence indicates.
Life is fine … great even. I am incredibly blessed with an amazing family full of love and support. There have been no bumps in this area to keep me from either my hour a day or writing.
Work is good. I feel like I have been incredibly productive. I have finally tackled one of those back burner projects that is always simmering, demanding your attention. It is in no danger of burning or boiling over – so it just stays lingering in the background nagging while you deal with the more volatile and delicate dishes on the front burner. I don’t know if ignoring it for so long has made the task any easier or more difficult – neither, I suspect. I do know that it will be nice not to have it on my stove any longer. It is one of those things you cook because the meal demands it and it is your husband’s favorite – even though you can’t stand the stuff. 😉
Okay – enough with the cooking metaphor!
I have absolutely no idea what has been wrong with me this last week. I have been seemingly incapable of completing even the simplest tasks. I have carried my laptop back and forth to work with me every day with the intention of transferring a handful of large files. I have failed to do it – every single day. Last night I finally took care of it, but did not start the process until late. Basically that means that I spent several hours, off the clock, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for files to transfer – not – being – at – home. Did I write during those quiet hours at my desk in the office? Nope. Did I get up and stretch or walk or meditate? Of course not. I fucked off listening to an audio-book (Jaye Wells – Blue Blooded Vamp) and played Candy Crush on my phone. For hours.
I went to bed fairly early, but stayed awake until nearly 1 am … finishing the book. At one I realized that today is Friday and my husband’s day off. Looking at the glaring red numbers on the alarm clock I decided “fuck it.” and turned off the alarm. It is the first week of summer vacation, and Friday is the day I get to show up late to work if I want to (though I rarely indulge – too much to do!).
So – days 6 – 11 … full of apathy and wheel spinning and little to no progress. My alarms on my phone went off every day to taunt and remind me of what I was supposed to be doing. I ignored them resolutely and buried myself deeper into what amounts to digging ditches (moving dirt – or numbers in my case – from one place to another) at work instead. Every day I felt like crap about my failure – told myself I ought to at least write a check-in blog – averted my eyes and put my head down and skulked right past all of my good intentions, aspirations and resolve.
At 7 am this morning my eyes *popped* open. I felt full of energy and a renewed sense of business. “Let’s do this thing!” I have no idea what changed between “fuck it” at 1 am, sleep and waking – but now I feel like that skinny bitch who is all smiles and enthusiasm at the front of the Zumba class that everyone else wants to kick as they grunt and sweat and struggle.
It is now 7:30 am and I have stretched, meditated and vomited these words into the computer. (Note to self – more on exercise and aging later…) We shall see what the rest of the day brings.
*laughing* WordPress just spit quote at me –
“The scariest moment is always just before you start.”
— Stephen King
Yeah, that can be a scary moment … but it isn’t always the scariest one.
This last week has been pretty scary. I really considered letting myself down completely (again). Maybe that is what changed while I slept. I took that “fuck it” and turned it against the right thing.
- How to Wake up Immediately in the Morning (lifehack.org)
- Note to Self: Buy the Freaking Ear-Blowing Alarm Clock that doesn’t have a snooze option! (sosillyloquy.wordpress.com)
- Increased Mindfulness – Day 1 (samiraaveline.wordpress.com)